I AM QUEEN!!

Today’s blog entry is about the two queens in my deck that I most identify with.

First I’ll start with what the tarot experts say I should use as my significator. (A significator is the one card in the deck that represents you. Some spreads call for it) The experts base their assignment on your age and your birthday, as well as your gender. According to them I’m the Queen of Pentacles.

The Queen of Pentacles embodies the “hostess with the mostest” quote. She’s the Martha Stewart of Tarot... everything she touches has a sense of style and her creativity flows into all aspects of her life. She’s the woman that has her crap together, and makes everyone feel welcome...a natural mother and nurturer. She puts all she has into caring for the needs of others (in the most fantastic ways) that sometimes she forgets about her own needs. This queen stands behind her king and supports him, and he gives her stability and love, adoration in return.

I read her description and some of it fits...all the caring for others before myself bits and standing behind her husband. That is me all day long. I burn out taking care of others and in fact my identity as mom ruled me for over two decades. Now that they are grown and flown (mostly) this care is lavished on my pets and my husband. But this isn’t me really.

I struggle with friendships and I shy away from anything social. Very few people truly know me for who I am, and I like it that way. Because of my profession I have ability to seem warm, kind, and caring—but my family will tell you that’s all for show, a facade. I wish sometimes that I really was this warm loving generous person who never met a stranger and gave hugs freely to anyone who asks...but it’s not. I have the strength of this queen, and her care-taking traits...but not her warmth, not really.

The next queen is the Queen of Swords...the ice queen. I’ll even use her as my profile pictures on different platforms. If I could choose a card on my own, without knowing that rules apply like birthdays and age...I’d pick her to represent me. I admire her. She is icy in her strength and the look on her face says, “don’t you dare mess with me because I can end you.” She’s experienced pain and sacrifice, and she carries those with her in her wisdom and quiet strength. She chooses her battles now, because not all of them are worth winning...and she never loses.

I see this queen and I think of her as being the badass of the deck. She could care LESS what you think of her, and in fact she doesn’t think of you at all. Am I like that? Heck no. I’m far less confident. I wish I could be like this but I find more often than not that I care very much what others think of me. She is calculating and chooses her words carefully, because they can cut more deeply than the sharpest sword. I do not. I’m a rambler that fills silence with nonsense. When I’m mad, words fly out of my mouth before I realize what I’m saying. I’m not all that calculating. I’m an excellent people reader though...and I’m getting a lot better about NOT saying everything I think out loud. I’m also learning that if you fill silence you miss out on more than you think.

I’ve been hurt, recently. I’m still recovering. In fact, truth be told, this a wound I won’t ever fully recover from. The loss of my son at 21 has pretty much placed a permanent and deep gouge that reaches through my heart, leaving a mark on my soul. It’s going to be there forever...and in that sense, I am the ice queen. This part of me won’t ever heal, and the way I cope with that is to just allow it to be. It colors how I see things, it changes how I interact with people, but it’s given me insight. I think I share this with her too. I know things now. It’s a DEEP sense of simply KNOWING; It’s a feeling that comes when faith covered in tragedy chooses to rise out of that with new wings. My faith has changed, it’s far stronger than I could ever imagine. I see that in this queen as well. Lastly, she stands by her king, but it’s side by side. They rule together...and that’s my marriage now. We are bonded through this loss. With his permission, I’ll write about him another day. Today is about the Queens.

Perhaps I’m both of them. The other queens in this deck don’t resonate with me, not like these do. I think I’ll go ahead and be my own version of the hostess queen and the ice queen. Blending those qualities together are a great way to continue to be a caretaker, embrace the beginnings of an empath (that I’ve always ignored) and at the same time bear my scars without apologies and take you out with a single glare if I need to. Yeah...that’s the real me.

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